Andy Rooney BOC 28

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Here's this episode's transcript...

When I had Andy Rooney in the car with me the other day, I thought that he didn’t have long to live.

This isn’t a doomsday prediction but Andy Rooney is getting older and sometimes I think his comments show some senility.

In an effort to make things seamless for CBS (or whoever runs 60-Minutes these days) when they replace him, I’m doing an Andy Rooney-esque podcast.

I’m also doing this because the people at DaveBarry.com and David Sedaris.co.uk.fr won’t take my calls. I would really like to replace one of them.

But here goes my brief and brilliant Rooney swoon.

Did you ever wonder why the labels on pudding tell you that you can’t sell them individually? It’s not like you can eat more than a couple in one sitting. Is this rule in place to keep mom and pop stores from making any money by breaking apart the puddings into little orphan units?

What about the singles rack in the beer cooler? Who decided it was a good idea to gather together one bottle each from 47 odd brands of beer and charge $2 apiece for them.

It kinda makes sense, but how did the other five beers in the six pack disappear? Are they like socks in the dryer?

That reminds me, as I sit her in my office I just know that my laundry is not getting done at home because I failed once again to win the lottery.

Had I won the lottery – pretty much any lottery would do – I wouldn’t wash anything. I’d throw it all away every day and start over.

Well, I might keep two sets of clothes just so I’d have something to wear to the clothing store to buy new stuff.

But then I’d probably have to have a driver because I itch pretty easily and don’t want to be distracted when I drive by some itchy sensation in my new clothes.

I guess I’d sit in the back seat or better yet I’d lie down in the back of a limo. Sometimes limo drivers stock the back of their cars with neat little treats like crackers and soda.

On the way to the airport one time I found a sandwich in the back of the limo. It was really tasty.

But what would I do after I snack on my sandwich and have my drink? I’d probably want a pudding.

And it’s too bad, too. Because I’d only need one pudding and for some reason, they’re not marked for individual sale.